5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
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My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Does this dress make me look cat?
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee