5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
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My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.