5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
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My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I falcon love using swear birds
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
fr
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.