Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

This is my brand.

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now