5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
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Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Your honor these allegations are
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed