5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
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When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love