5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
mom gave me mine for free
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”