[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
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Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.