6: are snakes just neck?
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Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…