6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
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Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.