6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
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*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
That earthquake could have been an email.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?