6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
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Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.