6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
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Why is no one talking about this?!
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I’ll be mad as hell!
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon