6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
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*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕