Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
When the stylist spins you back around
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Canadian owl: Eh?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
#milo
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Mike Tyson’s apartment building