6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 馃槀馃槱馃敟
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[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My kid: I鈥橫 NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Me [pitching a book idea]: It鈥檚 a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I don鈥檛 like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who鈥檚 boss
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I鈥檓 totally fine with it.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates