6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
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Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Me, reading some of your tweets
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.