*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
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Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.