6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
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him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?