6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
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My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”