6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
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Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.