*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
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Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
A French press is when you hug naked
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I feel it
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
forgive me baja for i have blast
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no