[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
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turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Search History:
Cat armor
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Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
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national guard phone #
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked