6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
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What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.