6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
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You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?