6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
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Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
doing some research
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
My brain is a bad influence on me
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.