6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
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Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
*praying for world peace*
God:
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn