6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
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*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.