6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
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5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
this is how life feels
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.