6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
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me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
look at me when i’m typing to you
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.