6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
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Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys