6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I support this random dude and all his protests
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.