6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
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I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”