6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
You Might Also Like
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”