6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
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ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song