6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
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gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.