6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
You Might Also Like
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
How software testing works
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.