6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
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Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
This one’s “Alex”.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude