@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

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@mzeld

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

@TheBoydP

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

@TheHyyyype

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

@anerdonfire2

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

@NicCageMatch

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

@the_kizzle

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

@PhuckinCody

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

@Brampersandon_

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

@cravin4

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.