6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
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me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Leonardo DiCaprisun