@IHideFromMyKids

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

You Might Also Like

@SortaBad

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

@mgfkingslynn

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

@TheRealNickKay

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

@SirEviscerate

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

@LackOfShame

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

@Lerky

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

@_TeaChap

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

@BlackCatBettie

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.