6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
You Might Also Like
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I think I’m having a stroke
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid