6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
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drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.