6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
You Might Also Like
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Not today, today.
Not today.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.