6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
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How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.