6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
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[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….