6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

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If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.


The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false


*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”


Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.


Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”


My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.


Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money


Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*


Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.


Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet