@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

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@Fickle_Filly

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

@elonmusk

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

@josephknuckles

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

@WilliamAder

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

@NikatNiteNite

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

@XplodingUnicorn

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

@donni

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

@hyperblastchic

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

@donni

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet