@Fickle_Filly If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
@XplodingUnicorn 6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
You Might Also Like
@Fickle_Filly 
@elonmusk The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
@josephknuckles *wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
@WilliamAder Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
@NikatNiteNite Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
@XplodingUnicorn My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
@donni Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
@UncleDuke1969 Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
@hyperblastchic Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
@donni Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet