6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
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Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
lol
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home