6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
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Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶