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We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic