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Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I have never related to a cat more
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool