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[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Yup!
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
British people be like I’m Bri ish
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants